Why do smart people get angry and act dumb? 8 Levels of Discussion degeneration- How to conquer anger, manage difficult people, and resolve conflicts by being ‘Word-Proof’?
We have all been angry in our lives or have been around short-tempered people.
Do people really like to get angry? NO, but many feel trapped and conditioned to get angry
Once anger recedes we feel embarrassed and shameful within ourselves- for shouting at a loved one. for abusing a less powerful person.
3 most effective solutions to deal with other people’s anger
- Never get angry in public or try to pacify a violently angry person in public- I have a mental visualization that helps me solve and objectively study the emotion of anger. An angry person for me is a person who is ‘peeing’ in public. He or she has to get naked to perform the act. Learn to stand away from such people as much as possible. If you try to calm them, then they will ‘pee’ on you. If the person is a family member or friend that you have to protect, then see if you can smartly postpone their anger till they reach a private place, otherwise, there is not much you can do beyond walking away from the scene. You can even compare an angry person to a drunkard person who is vomiting nonsense without any awareness.
- Do not use words when angry or around an angry person- Words good or bad are fuel for the anger. With self, good calming words and deep breathing may work, but with other angry people ‘wise words’ prove to be an absolute catastrophe. Try silence treatment.
Anger is the erection of the Ego. It will not go away without screwing someone, self or till the ego boner goes away.
Anger is comparable fire that grows more in the presence of words or attempts to mitigate it. As a thumbrule, try the ‘silence’ treatment when you are angry or when you are stuck with an angry person
3. Physical abuse is not acceptable and cannot be handled by silence- If you feel physically abused and bullied then you must definitely report to legal authorities.
I am in no way suggesting you to accept verbal and emotional abuse, however, we all know people who lose it for 15–30 minutes once a month. The decision is totally up to you, if you want to report them, exit the relationship or build an anger proof bunker around you? This is usually true for love based relationship- spouse, siblings and family members.
The call is totally yours, but it is a real superpower to become ‘WORD-PROOF’ where the words of others cannot offend you and disturb your peace.
I also want to highlight how smart people end up getting angry and eventually become conditioned to stay in a state where they are always open to getting offended. Awareness of these levels will make you conquer anger and avoid the path that leads to conflict.
The first four levels (1–4) are positive levels to aspire for in your communication, with levels 4 and 3 being the highest quality discussion followed by level 2 and level 1 respectively. These are positive spirals and the more practice you do better you get at them.
Level Zero to Minus 4 are the road to self-sabotaging behavior. They are a negative spiral, which eventually results in isolation and irreversible damage
THE BIG 8
When discussions are productive and result in growth, optimization, and motivation? (Valid most for 1:1 discussions among two people as group challenges are resolved by hierarchy and leader intervention)
- Level-4-Idea, Goals, and Action Plan focused discussions- Discussions where the ideas are evaluated without any bias and based on their merit. People are respectful and considerate of each other and believe in growth by following the right action plan. The EQ and IQ of the two people are in balance.
- Level-3-Inspirational and uplifting discussions- Here the conversation results in a positive feeling of well-being and trust. People feel uplifted and motivated to follow their goals. We all need motivation and encouragement and these discussions provide the necessary energy.
- Level-2-Objective Feedback-based discussions- Here the goal is to help the person see the reality and take action to improve themselves. You are helping an individual by giving them objective feedback. Feedback is targeted at the events and situation rather than personality. As a rule, give feedback after appreciating what is good about the individual (add 2 sincere complements with 1 corrective feedback that must be given)
- Level-1-Small talk and social topic conversations — This is the discussion and networking that happens when two colleagues and people meet to discuss weather, news, politics, sports, movies, and to know each other better.
When discussions start getting negative and eventually result in conflicts
In any argument of situation, there is one angry person and one normal (or comparatively less angry/ person or a sane person)
- Level-0- Gossip-based discussions- When two people start fighting over politics and policies they did not design and cannot change. They start complaining about the bosses and begin to minimize the achievements of others. Unhappy employees usually belong to this category. Remember one simple truth, it is way easier to find a new job than to score a win over your current boss. A great solution is to speak less to people who talk about others in a negative way and complain too much about the situation they are in.
- Level (Minus 1) Arguments and disagreements- When people stop seeing logic and start finding faults in another person’s perspective. The goal of such discussions is not to prove what is right, but to prove who is right. The solution is to never argue and just reply in a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ or one line to answer the question asked to you. Ask quality questions that can help the person see the logic and give them credit and appreciation. Petty minds are pleased with credit and appreciation, even if they do not deserve it. Do it just to resolve or kill the argument that you could not avoid and do not make it an addiction for them. Ignorant people do not accept that their view could be wrong, thus the best strategy is to avoid arguments with such people. They believe more in being right rather than finding the truth.
- Level (Minus 2) Insult-based discussions- Once arguments heat up, they degenerate into personal insults and fault-findings. This is most common in personal relationships where your spouse or loved one conjures up a list of your past mistakes (real or imaginary) and then tries to take you down. The solution is to walk away from the scene of insults by excusing yourself- a work phone call, a family meeting, or an appointment. If you cannot go out then, mentally start singing something that makes you stop listening to insults. If the person is not required for your long-term growth, then stop meeting that person.
- Level (Minus 3) Verbal and Emotionally Abusive discussions- If the saner person tries to handle insults with logic, then the angry person loses it and begins to verbally abuse the saner person and their family members. It becomes a street or gutter kind discussion, just that it happens inside your own room. The abuses are worse when the volume becomes loud and neighbors, colleagues began to hear and get an idea about the conflict. Here again, silence and damage control are your best friend. The worst thing you can do is to abuse the abusive person as they will stoop to a level where you may find it very uncomfortable to go but they are perfectly comfortable. More often than not, the abuser is already feeling like ‘dirt’, they just do not know it yet. When the anger crashes then the abuser suffers the biggest fall.
- Level (Minus 4) Violent discussions- If the anger is not cured, or if the saner person loses it then the fight may even become violent. Verbal insults, expletives are accompanied by physical blows, attacks, and pushing. The person engaging in physical behavior is just one step away from- jail, a mental asylum, or a potential breakup that will result in total ruin.
Have an acute awareness about the level of discussion you are at and if you are climbing towards the positive levels or degenerating towards conflict and violence.
Learn to practice silence when angry (watch the video below)
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